Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
