I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
