Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
