The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
