if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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