Someone shit on the floor
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
