Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
