Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.