I'm jealous of your bromance
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
