If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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