Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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