maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
