Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
