I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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