Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
