I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
