i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
