Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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