i just wanna soil my oats bro
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Randomize
