There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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