he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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