Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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