.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
