to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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