When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
