"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Come share oat with me in your robe
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
