my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
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