How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
