What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
