Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
In other news, I just burned my penis
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
