Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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