God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize
