I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
