Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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