Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
