uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
