You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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