The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
