3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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