The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor