I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
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just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
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A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".