got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.