So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
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She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
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Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.