So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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