Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
