There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize