my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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