Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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