I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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