Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
