you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
