I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
she peed on how many people?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
