Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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