Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
