my phone needs a breathalizer
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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