so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
