I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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